December

You know when you've had a very full and exciting couple of weeks and then you hit that wall where everyone just goes back to school and work and normal life and everything seems all too quiet?
That is where my life is at the moment.

About two weeks ago my favorite man made port back in the good ol' U.S. of A after nearly 3 months  of sailing around the coasts of south and central americas. He was able to snag a couple extra days of leave so he could visit with us before he made a road trip across the country (the purpose being to get his car from the east coast to the west coast. 3,100 miles). After being apart for a lengthy amount of time the two of us were pretty inseparable. I cannot even begin to describe the amount of butterflies one might find in their tummy that spread through every inch of one's self.

Nearly a week after his return, his leave almost up, the two of us went out for a fancy dinner date. It was lovely, seeing as it proceeded a day full of dead car batteries, replacing alternators, and failed front and rear breaks...followed by a trip made up to Springfield College to drop off a car for G's sister. (let me tell you, it is difficult to drive a car in a very fitting sheath dress, stockings, and heels. Even without the heels, my stockinged feet slid all over my pedals.) And pardon me while I say, A POX UPON THE MAN WHO DESIGNED THE HIGHWAYS IN Mass AND HIS DISBELIEF IN ON/OFF RAMPS.
Anyways. By 9pm we finally reached our restaurant of choice...but something was off. It wasn't the food, or the entertaining karaoke, or the service. It was him. What was off, I couldn't tell you, but something was up. And so, despite being absolutely starving on the ride over, I lost my appetite as I always do when something is making me anxious.
Later that night I discovered what all the jitters were about as a band of delicate diamonds was slid onto my finger.
That was Tuesday. Friday he and his dad left for Oregon. Thursday night was probably the hardest and most painful night's I have ever experienced. Most of the evening was spent in silence, just holding each other and wanting to let go, knowing that when we did that meant it was time to really say goodbye. Finally as 3am got closer and closer, we sat up from our resting place and through trickled tears that escaped their confines we said our goodbye. So many goodbyes and "I love you"s. Over and over and over. Anything to prolong the parting. My throat was tight with emotion, and he even had wet trails on his cheeks where rogue tears had found themselves. He was barely out my bedroom door when I exploded and my dam tears broke. It literally felt as if my heart had been torn out of my chest. G told me not much later that he was quite a mess himself. He had been so upset, that he for left his beanie (one that I had made for him while he was underway) behind in my room. And the realization that he had forgotten the hat made him even more upset. From the moment I gave him that hat when he got home, to the moment he sat down in my room for the last time, that hat barely left his head. He loved it.

It is amazing to me how strong an emotion love is, and how much it can totally wreck you in different ways. My mind is continually blown.
Every reunion becomes sweeter than the last, as equally every goodbye becomes even more heart wrenching.

Finally, our men were off on their 3,100mile adventure, and the rest of us started to prep for Thanksgiving and the return of college bound siblings.  It was good to have them all back just days after my newly acquired Fiancé's depart. As always, his sister and my brother gave us an endless supply of lightheartedness, strange body noises, and side splitting laughter. All that overflowed into the weekend. But that couldn't last forever. Sunday came and went, and so did our college kids. Later in the afternoon, my sister, mother and I went over to my mother-in-law-to-he's house for coffee and a talk about where on earth to get started on wedding planning. This will certainly be an interesting combination of stressful and fun.

And here we are. Monday. Everyone is back at school, at work, and on their cutters. And here I am at my kitchen table, sipping my cold coffee with a million thoughts whirling around in my head and no one to hold me tight while I fall apart...again.  (Which I could've used while writing my silly paragraph about goodbyes.)

It feels good to have a projected date...but, that date is just under a year away...which feels like eternity, with few visits in-between.

Dead Man's Cove, Cape Disappointment, OR

Bear Lake, Utah

Melancholy Fiancee, CT

Leaving and cleaving

By now I have been asked more times than I can probably count, if/when I am moving to Oregon. I have to admit that i indulged in the thought quite often but didn't know whether or not it was an actually possibility to consider.  

These first few weeks of "real enlistment" have been hard. Yes, he's gone just like bootcamp, yes, we have more communication (even If it took a while and is only maybe a short email once a day) but, there is definitely a difference in how much more I miss him now than during bootcamp. Perhaps it's the fact that he's currently thousands of miles away, not even in sight of land. Maybe it's knowing that he will be that far away half of the time and the other half he'll only be...3,100 miles away on the opposite coast as me.  I have learned that even though this sucks pretty bad and it's really hard, I am actually stronger than I thought. Not a day goes by that I don't long to be next to him and sharing his adventures on the high seas, but those are the times that I pray ardently for him and myself, as individuals and as a couple. I know what the end goal looks like, and that's what I strive towards, fight for. And I know it's not gonna be easy, even when the goal of finally being together is reached, it's still gonna be tough tough tough! But we're tough, too. And that's how we do. 

Oh, the views I wish I could be seeing in person...

sunset as seen from the Cutter in Warenton, OR

Lighthouse off of cape disappointment

Time didn't stop...

Yesterday we were up before 5:00am so that we could drop off our Coastie at the airport. Poor guy was supposed to land in Portland around noon(their time. about 3 our time) but got stuck in chicago for like 2hours while they changed a tire on his plane. 

I started my summer with goodbyes and tears, and I ended it the same way. Gregory if off on the complete opposite side of the country, getting ready to sail up and down from Alaska to South America and all over, and this will be his life for the next 9mo or so until he leaves for a-school. I really am very excited for him and this grand new adventure. So much of this new chapter is still a bit of a mystery to him. A lot of questions have been answered with "I don't know yet." "They can't tell me." "I'll find out when I get there."  And the questions keep coming! Only now that G's gone they are all asked of me to answer on his behalf....and I have no clue.   

I feel barraged and smothered with inquiries from both people who are not close but just curious, and my own family members. No words have been exchanged between us in over 15hrs, and I'm not even sure when they will be.  I can not guarantee that the next person to ask me when I'm moving to Astoria, OR, or when I'm getting married will not be punched in the face...or cried at. or both.  I'm an emotional time bomb who hasn't yet had a chance to cry this time...so watch out. 

Time can stop now.

I've finally got my heart back. But everyday I get to share with him is another day closer to him leaving again. It's so bittersweet. I'm pretty sure saying goodbye like this will never get easier. I wish I could share this cross country adventure with him, but that is impossible.  So I cherish every second I'm allowed with him, because in this next year or so of his adventure, I don't where he'll be or when I'll see him. He might end up sailing through the Panama canal. He might not come home for Christmas. Access to wifi and cell service will most likely be limited. But he is mine. And he is worth it. And God is good and faithful. 

I like My Body...

And now, a small break from Coastiness to read a little e e Cummings. Because, yes.

I Like My Body When It Is With Your

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body.  i like what it does,
i like its hows.  i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric furr,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

e. e. cummings

Puddle Pirate Update

Today, Alpha 190 is nearly half way through week 05. Their latest update, , has been tough but looking up as the recruits have had a higher bar set for them by their CC's and have set the bar higher for themselves as a company as well. It seems they are striving to be a unit and not a bunch of individuals. Going back over past updates it is clear that even though they still have a ways to go and grow, they have coma a far way. Everyday I miss my puddle pirate a bit more, and every day I wake up knowing there are fewer days between us and graduation. In the letter I received last week he mentioned that when we watch him graduate he must maintain a professional military persona during the tour of the facilities and everything that follows. There will be no more than brief hello hugs until we are loading ourselves into cars to drive back home. I will be so happy just to see him graduate after months of missing his handsome face, but knowing that I can't smooch him like a wild woman until very long after we have departed Cape May, is gong to drive me bonkers. Even then, finding time when I am not sharing him with his family and friends will be very difficult, but I am determined to make that happen as much as possible. 

Twenty-Three-More-Days

"I have been in the Coast Guard all me bloomin' life. My father was King Neptune, my mother was a mermaid. I was born on the crest of a wave and rocked in the cradle of the deep. My eyes are stars, me teeth are spars, me hair is hemp and seaweed. When I spits, I spits tar, I's tough, I is, I am, I are!!"

-A-190's week04 Mantra, as given to them by Chief Arseneaux 

I always joked I'd end up with a "Pirate"

"SR Logan, G. A-190"

My "Puddle Pirate", as they're sometimes called, is finishing up week 03 of boot camp. The days drag on, but the weeks fly by. How does that work? I have no clue. But we're nearing the 1/2 way mark. Only 35 more days until the graduation ceremony.  Every week or so a recruit from each company writes a short blog post on the events and progress they have been experiencing, as well as stress and yelling. Here is where you can read all about G's company, Alpha 190, and the latest "adventures", or misadventures, they are having. This is just the first post...I don't know how these guys get through this...I certainly would never be brave enough, and I am incredibly thankful for them.

Thirty. Five. More. Days.

A pirate's life for me...sorta...

It amazes me the connection between one's stomach and emotions.  Thankfully I've never been a stress eater. I don't binge on comfort food when I'm sad or lonely, or eat a bag of chips and other various junkies when I'm bored. I'd say that's a pro. The con, however, is that I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. When I'm stressed, sad, or lonely I don't eat at all. My appetite vanishes completely and is instead replaced with imaginary feelings of sickness. Unfortunately, as I finish up week Two of Eight of waiting for my Coastie to graduate boot camp, my appetite hasn't returned. I'm forcing myself to eat. I get excited when I realize that I'm actually hungry but after just a couple bites I feel like I can't eat anymore. (Just so you know, I am not one to usually pass on an opportunity of being fed, so this is an unwelcome circumstance) I am actually a wee bit scared that my desire for food won't come back until I can om-nom a cheeseburger while sitting next to my beloved.  I actually am recalling a line from POTC #1: 

"The drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths..." -

-Captain Barbossa 

That's...pretty much it. Everyone tells me that these bootcamp weeks will fly by...and when looking back on these last two weeks, I'm not sure where they went. But it's living through the weeks that seems to drag on. I'm not angry he's gone. If anything I feel guilty and selfish for wanting him to come back now, or to have never left. I keep reminding myself that this is a good thing. This is a challenge, one that we will get through and come out of stronger at the end. 39 more days. I can do this. I'm just gonna set mini goals to make the weeks ly and give myself little projects to work on and look forward to. Who knows, maybe i'll make this one of those projects. 

Sigh...39 more days...

Of all the days to wear mascara...this is not one.

Earlier I was kicking myself for actually applying my make up this morning, now I just don't give a crap and am smudging it all over my face because the one person I try to look pretty for sometimes is out of state on his first leg of the next 4year adventure.

Yep, my sweet boy left this morning for boot camp. For a couple weeks I have been trying to decide whether or not I should accompany my beloved to the recruiters office for final goodbyes or stay behind and sniffle to myself in my house...well, I had the honor of going with him, shedding tears and saying goodbye. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I'm glad I went. Now to get through the 8 weeks. They promised me there was an end to this separation. Let's get this over with.

Lover

One of the ways I would describe myself would be "A lover of words." I am a lover of many things, and words are a big part of my life. They shape the sentences that come out of my mouth, the stories I engulf myself in and refuse to surface from for days, the thoughts that run continuously through my head, and the music I listen to.  I am that girl who reads into  the lyrics to much, who romanticizes the poetry to be about those in my life. I day dream about somehow catching the eye of an author and having a character composed in my image. Imagine that! A whole literary alter ego, able to do who knows what, living a double life in another world, another time, possibly another dimension. I mean, how utterly marvelous would that be!?!?

Anyways, one of the poets that my eyes frequent is the whimsically, bizarrely fascinating e e cummings. I love him and all of his "grammatical injustices".  I'm more or less alone in my liking of his way with words when it comes to the people I spend my time with most, but that's ok.  

As always I'm thinking of a new tattoo idea and as I was sitting there in a lovely bath reading a wonderful book that was provoking many feels, an idea popped in my brain (totally unrelated to the book in my hands...because my brain wanders most of the time.) In my mind I saw a dainty drawing of an umbrella and beneath it words dripping down like raindrops. 

"Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands"

Later I mentioned the little idea to my mom, who like all my family doesn't know who e e cummings is. She wondered what the poem was about and whether or not that would be a good thing to have tattooed on one's self. So, I found her this explanation. Here you will find the original poem and along side it is what it means. I like it quite a bit. And I'm always tickled that one of the bands I listen to from time to time actually have songs named after this particular line. 

Such Small Hands

Nobody, Not Even the Rain

Throwback Thursday... Then and Now

Love me some Fettuccini

Today ended the long winded search for what I have heard called "T-shirt" yarn. I've seen it all over pintrest and the cool-kid-knitting-blogs and have been excited to get my hands on this foreign fabric and craft the crap out of it...I just didn't know where to find it other than online(at prices that made me a little squeamish, TBH).  Finally I threw out a plea to fellow crafters on FaceBook as to where to find this elusive yarn, and someone had recently spotted it at one of our local craft stores...Lion Brand's own "Fettuccini" 

Last week I caved and finally bought myself a laptop(yay for new toys!) and found myself with the excuse to start another yarn-y project, a laptop sleeve/case! 

This stuff has been a pain in the pitutie to work with, but I love the way it looks and feels. I have literally sat for four and  half hours straight just working on this thing. My hands are killing me, my right arm feels like it spent the day at the gym, annnnnnnnnd I ran out of yarn a few inches shy of finishing this project. *sigh*

Guess I'll just have to go buy more. 

Semi-annual check in...

The Semi-Anual-Blog-Check-In 

IN this chapter we will read about Emily's busy work life, how she's got a bad case of wanderlust and cabin fever, and a little weary with some news she's been waiting for for a long time…

*beware: lovey-dovey pics.

Well, here we are yet again…

Life has just gotten way to busy to be on here regularly which is good and bad I guess…less time spent on the computer, but that also means that I've had less time to relax, journal, read, write, adventure...

 It has become just a bunch of mundane exhaustion. Don't get me wrong, it's good to work. My job is wonderful! And my clientele has grown in numbers and consistency. But as much as I love having a solid routine to life's everyday weekly activities my heart gets restless very easily.

I'm a day dreamer, I always have been. And it is on a regular basis that I find my mind wandering the globe having adventures…while the rest of me is stuck here, usually bent over a sink, washing someone's hair color out. Thankfully some adventures are coming up that will shake the monotony up a bit…but also make my life a little complicated.

Next weekend is the NYC Hair Show which I shall be attending with my coworkers. Now, I enjoy hair shows, but the thought of not having a break at all from my salon gals (ending the work week on saturday evening, leaving for NYC early sunday morning, and returning home late monday night) is putting a mental damper on the weekend for me.

Especially (here comes my selfishness) when I know that I now have a limited amount of time with my beloved greek-boy. Today we celebrate the unofficial 2yr anniversary of when we decided that, yeah, I like you and always have, so let's do this. And during these two years while we've been running around being young and growing together we have also been in what seems like an eternal limbo waiting…waiting…waiting…

Waiting for what? For the coast guard. Always the coast guard. This was a major topic we considered for a good long while before we decided to go forward with a relationship, making it through what could end up being a long distance military relationship. And after much deliberation, and plenty of lovely little tummy butterflies, we walked forth hand-in-hand and said, "It's worth it."

And so, for the past two years the Coast Guard has always been at the back of our heads sitting very quietly in the corner bothering no one. Gregory had been told that he could leave for boot camp in May or June of this year, but it hardly seemed real. We had grown so comfortable and complacent. Until last friday evening….

After a very long week of being flat on my back from the pain of a double ear infection (complete with two perferated eardrums), and going back to work on a third round of super strong antibiotics that made me dizzy, tired, and nauseous, I was just starting to feel better. I don't do sick well. I like to be up and moving and busy. I'm very used to being independent, so I don't do the whole letting people take care of me because the life has been knocked out of me, thing. It doesn't come naturally. Yet, I found my evenings to be not so bad. I was constantly surprised with little things like tubs of Ben and Jerry's, boxes of Velveeta Mac 'n cheese (which was a relief cause smoothies were getting annoying and I couldn't fully open or close my mouth), quirky and awkward indie romcoms, and even my very own personal delivery of pink berry piled with fresh fruit! This showering of love and kindness was something that I was not used to, and I can't even begin to explain how much my heart swells with love for this man.

With my new found ability to chew real food I headed over to the Logan homestead for an amazing greek dinner, and found myself surprised…The mood was loud, full of laughter and that buoyancy of hungry people awaiting delicious food…but somehow I found myself holding papers with dates on them…June 24th…
And with that, my mood changed completely. My heart sunk, and has yet to float back up. It's really happening, and I'm kinda scared. Because after 16 years of having this wonderful friend no more 10 minutes away from me, he'll be taken away from me for 2 months, and then stationed who knows where. To me, he is home, and I'm not too excited about having my home living away from me.

Home is wherever you are if there's love there too.