This post is really me reflecting to myself. It has a point, but may come about in a round-a-bout way because that's how my mind works, the dots may not even connect. There's alot of stuff going on up there.
But on my mind today was the day I received the revelation of love.
I've grown up in a christian home. I had no problem with Christianity, but not alot of understanding either. I accepted Christ as a small child not for fear of eternal separation of God, but for fear of where I'd end up. I continued to go to church with my family, not to worship or listen to what people had to say, but because there were snacks in Sunday school and after it was over I could play with my friends. As I got older some things became clearer and I started listening to the sermons, but nothing was alive to me. I could see that there was something there, something that lit up my parents and some of our friends but I just didn't understand.
Early on in the decade my father took a trip with a few friends from church to a place out in Kansas City, MO called IHOP (the International House Of Prayer). He returned excited and refreshed and brought music with him. That was the year we were introduced to Misty Edwards, Julie Meyers, as well as many other artists who live out there. And like he does with most of his music, he played it obnoxiously loud, the kind of loud where your ear-drums explode and and start gushing blood from exposure - probably where I got my love of loud music - but there was no appreciation for this new material.
As you know, I love music.
"As has been established previously, I like music. I can't live without the means of listening to it, whether it be by playing an instrument, listening to a CD, spacing to my friends jamming, or (if I'm desperate, or alone :) singing. Music is a very powerful thing. What you listen to subtly influences your thinking, behavior, world view, the way you view relationships, whether you're apathetic or empathetic towards certain things. There is something in music that literally permeates your soul. " - http://coloring-theworld.blogspot.com/2009/12/confessions-of-closet-addict.html
Somehow I did end up listening to one of these new cd's at a tolerable and understandable level of volume, and just like that, something grabbed me. They sang these beautiful words with such passion and truthfulness that I couldn't help feeling something. I felt it, but still didn't understand it. A year or so went by and another trip was made to Kansas City, this time by my mother and her friends. By now contemporary christian music had made it's way into the house, though my parents were a little hesitant of what I was listening to - funny to think of them back then, they're over it now and actually enjoy some of the stuff that I bring home :) Mom brought each of us back a little something - I got The Beautiful Let Down cd(by switchfoot), and again I saw the excitement and rejuvenation awakened in my parents.
Another year or so went by and my parents sat me down. It was my turn now. There is a conference we want to take you to. Onething 2005.
This conference is named after Psalm 27:4 ~ One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.
We left early on a 5am flight out of Bradley. We were joined by three of my dad's friends and their eldest kids. We got there, checked in to the hotel, and went right over to the conference. It was a long day. The worship was raw and loud, and I could feel the bass in my body. That first night Mike Bickle spoke on the end times, now that topic woke me up. Imagine this little 13 year old listening to a man talk about Revelation, and Jesus' return and all that will happen. I was pretty freaked, but intrigued. This was real. Again I could see the passion with which these people lived.
The conference continued and things changed in me. I was being drawn in, woken up. I heard the leaders talk about fasting, praying, worship. About being closer to God and getting to know his heart. I started to realize that that was where I wanted to be. The second to last day of the conference is one that I'll never forget, the day I found my breaking point.
The speaker spoke on God's love for us, of the reason he created us and the lengths he went through to get us back. Misty got onstage after that and started to sing one of her (then) new songs. I can't really describe it. My soul was full with the revelation that He loved me. ME! Tears were shed, bonds were made, understanding came, longing, aching, and yearning for more started and has never stopped.
Love.
Love is what was missing, what I wasn't getting. It was love that gave these people their passion and zeal, their drive. The sense that I wasn't my own, that I had been bought with a price. Graphted into a family and position where I did not deserve to be.
Music.
Since then music has really been a comunicator and reminder of this great love. Actually the reason for this post started out as a single line from a song stuck in my head, but I couldn't remember the song that it came from. And, as it happened, as I kept trying to think of what song it was I thought of pretty much everything I just posted - there you go, my round-a-bout brain :) I finally found the song. As I Go Down, by Relient K. Here's the line that was stuck in my head plus whatever :) :
"Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands, While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me, Reprimands me. Then and there I confess. I'll blame all this on my selfishness. Yet you love me, And that consumes me, And I'll stand up again And do so willingly. You give me hope, and hope it gives me life, You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light. As I exhale I hear your voice And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise. And from my lips the words I choose to say Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise. Because I love you, Oh God, I love you! And life is now worth living If only because of you, And when they say that I'm dead and gone It won't be further from the truth. When I go down I lift my eyes to you. I won't look very far Cause you'll be there With open arms To lift me up again. To lift me up again." - When I Go Down, Relient K
"I can finally see, that you're right there beside me. I am not my own, for I have been made new. Please don't let me go, I desperately need you!" - Meteor Shower, Owl City
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