whoever told me this would be fun, lied.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to actually have fun planning a wedding, to be excited about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to get married, I really am! It's all these silly little details that I could pretty much care less about. I am opinionated on various things, but for most parts of my life I am very laid back. So I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed, pretty much since the beginning of all of this hoopla, as the flood of questions has hurled my direction.

Do you have a date?
How did he do it?
What are your colors?
Do you have your dress yet?
Is it a princess fit?
How about your girls?
Will you have a big bridal party?
What do you mean your parties might not match numerically?
Who is your caterer?
Photographer?
Where is everything gonna be?
What do you mean your parents aren't paying for the wedding?
How are you gonna manage to keep the guest list to 100 people?!?

And then there's all the little details! My mother, sister, and I went over to a friends house last night. My mom has asked her to help make cup-cakes for the little refreshment reception we're having during the receiving line portion of the ceremony. And of course there were more directions and questions.
How are you going to set up? Where are you going to put the receiving line? Have you thought about your timing in all of this? What about gifts, where are you putting gifts?
I get to points where I think most everything has been figured out and we don't have to worry too much...and then this happens and a whole new can of worms is opened up and I go to bed crying.
I finally just handed all of this over to my mother, who loves planning. I said, look, I've made the major decisions about what day, where it's all going down, what every ones wearing, designed and ordered invites, and took care of the menu...other than any of that, I really don't care what anything else looks like. You take care of it, cause I've checked out.

It was kind of a weird thing...and the more I think about it the more I wish I had eloped and it was all over. The truth of the matter is that I miss my guy. Were he here, on this coast,  in this time zone, and preferably in the same state as me, I'm sure that there would be a little more bounce and excitement to all of this. But he's not. He's 3,000miles, and 3 time zones away. And he will be until the wedding, pretty much. In a way, I guess it shows that I'm not a crazy bridezilla. That all this hoopla is not just a showy, hoe-down. It all means that it's the marriage I'm longing for, and not just the wedding. Not the dress, and the shoes, and the hair and make-up, and the crowds, and congratulations, and flowers and all of that attention. I'd be more than happy if everyone just showed up in nice attire and ate pizza and drank homemade cocktails in my back yard and danced under the stars and just had a simple nice time....

I think of that day and all I see is his face, his smile, his crinkly green eyes. Looking at me with an extreme mix of happiness, excitement, and fear. All I can see is this amazing man that I'm in love with, and all I want to do is pledge myself, give him a smooch, take his hand, and run for it!
Getting married, to me, means finally starting a life with this guy, my best friend of 18yrs,(who I haven't seen much since June of 2014, which has been a painful and strengthening experience)actually getting to go where he goes, and see what he sees, and make a house a home and put both our personalities into it(instead of his mattress on the floor in the corner of a space, white-walled apartment) Yes, that house may only contain me for months on end sometimes, but that is also just part of it. I have no delusions that this will be easy. I can't tell you where we're gonna be living by the end of this year, I have no idea. I can't tell you if he will be out at sea for 3-5 months at a time, or home for dinner every night. But I do know that when he's home, he will be home with me, not home and 3,000 miles away. When he's home, there will be much hugging and smooching and rejoicing instead of now, where there is sporadic texting when he ha time, the occasional phone call when we catch each other at the right time for our time zones, and the even rarer Skype date...wifi service permitting...

It's gonna be hard, I know that. But being a little closer will be easier on my heart. I know that, too.

4 Months, 3 Weeks to go....