I'm going on an adventure

Hey guys,
for those who are still following me somewhat, I am pretty much moving over to a different  location. You can continue to follow the adventures of my life as I adapt to being a wife, a kitty mother, a crafter, coffee drinker, and island explorer on my new blog: http://coffeegrindgirl.blogspot.com
Hope to see you there.

Life Changes

So I'm sitting here making breakfast in my new kitchen thinking about how everything is so different now. Different from last month, and different from when this blog started. Life has changed, big time.

And though I haven't been on here that much, I think I might make more regular appearances now that there is a little bit more free time in my life. And maybe, just maybe, change some stuff up on the blog, too...maybe...

By the Sea Mr. Todd...

The "Honeymoon" is officially over. This morning the alarm went off at 5am. The work blues, boots, and hat went on and at 5:08 I found myself alone in a dark house that still doesn't feel like home... So dark, so empty, so...quiet...
I tossed and turned a bit until my restless sleep could hold me no longer and finally I left our very empty bed around 8.
It's only been2 days since we officially planted ourselves in Hatteras, and I think I've exhausted the laundry, and the dishwasher. There's a feeling of unrest. We brought just a few things from the wedding with us since we have to move out of our apartment in November and figured the less to move so soon, the better. Because of that it's hard to make this place as cozy and home-like as possible...but we're getting there.
Simply putting on familiar bedding that you actually like certainly makes a difference. We brought a lot of kitchen stuff and having pops of color and gadgets you can call your own makes a place seem familiar, too. I'm itching to get rid of the ugly, boxy, uncomfortable furniture in the rental's living room. There's nothing pleasant or inviting about the scratchy blue fabric and thin cushions on the couch... or the white, plastic, armed chairs around the kitchen table...

I'll say that I will miss the view from our back porch. Our rental is one of the last on the street, and therefore a bit more secluded. There are no houses behind us, just the old abandoned Coast Guard Station, and a clear view of the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse the shines rhythmically in the dark.  These things I think I'll miss.

Soon, G and I will take a trip to Elizabeth City and get me a Military ID and make everything super official. And if I can manage it, a trip to the OBX SPCA...otherwise there might be some reports by all of our neighbors about missing dogs...(I might be very dog-snuggle deprived right now...and have also seen a fb post saying they have 6 aussie sheepdog/lab mix puppies...my heart can't even right now)

we have longer than what the calendar says...right?

We've barely started summer and already I'm realizing how quickly certain things are approaching. In June we had two weddings in one weekend to plan for and look forward to.  Two weeks later we celebrated fourth of July...though I still feel like that shouldn't have happened for another couple of weeks. This Sunday I anticipate hopping on a plane by my lonesome and heading out west where I get to spend the next week driving back east with my dear heart as we move him from a-school to duty station. Once we're back on the east coast there will only be 6 more weeks until our big day.

And just like that, the realization of just how little time we have left is hitting me hard. The anticipation of getting on a plane by myself (I'm not a huge fan of flying) is giving me a little anxiety...but I know for a fact that my prize at the end of about 9hrs of traveling is worth it's weight 10X over in gold. And the experience of driving across the country is one that I have always wanted to have, and will remember for the rest of my life! And honestly, how can I complain when I'll have his company all to myself for about a week. These will be the last moments we get to spend with one another before another short separation, followed by the hoopla of family descending upon our houses and wedding craziness and then moving craziness.

My brain is a little on overload right now. Anticipating things such as finishing up at my job and leaving them down one stylist in a very busy salon, putting the finishing touches to all the wedding plans and wondering if we're ever gonna fully be done, getting through the wedding, and then moving my whole entire life down Cape Hatteras, NC.

To their credit, some members of my family are pretty good at consoling me when i'm on the verge of an overload. But the only person who I really want to be consoled by, and who really can calm me down completely, is on crazy schedules making him mostly unreachable by phone during most of the day, and very much so out of my arms reach all the time.

I find myself missing silly little things like getting ice cream or driving to wendy's at 12:30am with him, and watching miscellaneous sitcoms we stumble upon and becoming die hard fans! I miss just driving do mundane places like the grocery store, with my feet on the dash and singing along to silly songs. Basically, I miss life with my best friend, and as we get closer and closer to our big day, it gets harder and harder in the "I miss you " department.
Like when you start to picture your significant other as your phone...oops.

60 more days, and counting!!!!

whoever told me this would be fun, lied.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to actually have fun planning a wedding, to be excited about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to get married, I really am! It's all these silly little details that I could pretty much care less about. I am opinionated on various things, but for most parts of my life I am very laid back. So I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed, pretty much since the beginning of all of this hoopla, as the flood of questions has hurled my direction.

Do you have a date?
How did he do it?
What are your colors?
Do you have your dress yet?
Is it a princess fit?
How about your girls?
Will you have a big bridal party?
What do you mean your parties might not match numerically?
Who is your caterer?
Photographer?
Where is everything gonna be?
What do you mean your parents aren't paying for the wedding?
How are you gonna manage to keep the guest list to 100 people?!?

And then there's all the little details! My mother, sister, and I went over to a friends house last night. My mom has asked her to help make cup-cakes for the little refreshment reception we're having during the receiving line portion of the ceremony. And of course there were more directions and questions.
How are you going to set up? Where are you going to put the receiving line? Have you thought about your timing in all of this? What about gifts, where are you putting gifts?
I get to points where I think most everything has been figured out and we don't have to worry too much...and then this happens and a whole new can of worms is opened up and I go to bed crying.
I finally just handed all of this over to my mother, who loves planning. I said, look, I've made the major decisions about what day, where it's all going down, what every ones wearing, designed and ordered invites, and took care of the menu...other than any of that, I really don't care what anything else looks like. You take care of it, cause I've checked out.

It was kind of a weird thing...and the more I think about it the more I wish I had eloped and it was all over. The truth of the matter is that I miss my guy. Were he here, on this coast,  in this time zone, and preferably in the same state as me, I'm sure that there would be a little more bounce and excitement to all of this. But he's not. He's 3,000miles, and 3 time zones away. And he will be until the wedding, pretty much. In a way, I guess it shows that I'm not a crazy bridezilla. That all this hoopla is not just a showy, hoe-down. It all means that it's the marriage I'm longing for, and not just the wedding. Not the dress, and the shoes, and the hair and make-up, and the crowds, and congratulations, and flowers and all of that attention. I'd be more than happy if everyone just showed up in nice attire and ate pizza and drank homemade cocktails in my back yard and danced under the stars and just had a simple nice time....

I think of that day and all I see is his face, his smile, his crinkly green eyes. Looking at me with an extreme mix of happiness, excitement, and fear. All I can see is this amazing man that I'm in love with, and all I want to do is pledge myself, give him a smooch, take his hand, and run for it!
Getting married, to me, means finally starting a life with this guy, my best friend of 18yrs,(who I haven't seen much since June of 2014, which has been a painful and strengthening experience)actually getting to go where he goes, and see what he sees, and make a house a home and put both our personalities into it(instead of his mattress on the floor in the corner of a space, white-walled apartment) Yes, that house may only contain me for months on end sometimes, but that is also just part of it. I have no delusions that this will be easy. I can't tell you where we're gonna be living by the end of this year, I have no idea. I can't tell you if he will be out at sea for 3-5 months at a time, or home for dinner every night. But I do know that when he's home, he will be home with me, not home and 3,000 miles away. When he's home, there will be much hugging and smooching and rejoicing instead of now, where there is sporadic texting when he ha time, the occasional phone call when we catch each other at the right time for our time zones, and the even rarer Skype date...wifi service permitting...

It's gonna be hard, I know that. But being a little closer will be easier on my heart. I know that, too.

4 Months, 3 Weeks to go....

December

You know when you've had a very full and exciting couple of weeks and then you hit that wall where everyone just goes back to school and work and normal life and everything seems all too quiet?
That is where my life is at the moment.

About two weeks ago my favorite man made port back in the good ol' U.S. of A after nearly 3 months  of sailing around the coasts of south and central americas. He was able to snag a couple extra days of leave so he could visit with us before he made a road trip across the country (the purpose being to get his car from the east coast to the west coast. 3,100 miles). After being apart for a lengthy amount of time the two of us were pretty inseparable. I cannot even begin to describe the amount of butterflies one might find in their tummy that spread through every inch of one's self.

Nearly a week after his return, his leave almost up, the two of us went out for a fancy dinner date. It was lovely, seeing as it proceeded a day full of dead car batteries, replacing alternators, and failed front and rear breaks...followed by a trip made up to Springfield College to drop off a car for G's sister. (let me tell you, it is difficult to drive a car in a very fitting sheath dress, stockings, and heels. Even without the heels, my stockinged feet slid all over my pedals.) And pardon me while I say, A POX UPON THE MAN WHO DESIGNED THE HIGHWAYS IN Mass AND HIS DISBELIEF IN ON/OFF RAMPS.
Anyways. By 9pm we finally reached our restaurant of choice...but something was off. It wasn't the food, or the entertaining karaoke, or the service. It was him. What was off, I couldn't tell you, but something was up. And so, despite being absolutely starving on the ride over, I lost my appetite as I always do when something is making me anxious.
Later that night I discovered what all the jitters were about as a band of delicate diamonds was slid onto my finger.
That was Tuesday. Friday he and his dad left for Oregon. Thursday night was probably the hardest and most painful night's I have ever experienced. Most of the evening was spent in silence, just holding each other and wanting to let go, knowing that when we did that meant it was time to really say goodbye. Finally as 3am got closer and closer, we sat up from our resting place and through trickled tears that escaped their confines we said our goodbye. So many goodbyes and "I love you"s. Over and over and over. Anything to prolong the parting. My throat was tight with emotion, and he even had wet trails on his cheeks where rogue tears had found themselves. He was barely out my bedroom door when I exploded and my dam tears broke. It literally felt as if my heart had been torn out of my chest. G told me not much later that he was quite a mess himself. He had been so upset, that he for left his beanie (one that I had made for him while he was underway) behind in my room. And the realization that he had forgotten the hat made him even more upset. From the moment I gave him that hat when he got home, to the moment he sat down in my room for the last time, that hat barely left his head. He loved it.

It is amazing to me how strong an emotion love is, and how much it can totally wreck you in different ways. My mind is continually blown.
Every reunion becomes sweeter than the last, as equally every goodbye becomes even more heart wrenching.

Finally, our men were off on their 3,100mile adventure, and the rest of us started to prep for Thanksgiving and the return of college bound siblings.  It was good to have them all back just days after my newly acquired Fiancé's depart. As always, his sister and my brother gave us an endless supply of lightheartedness, strange body noises, and side splitting laughter. All that overflowed into the weekend. But that couldn't last forever. Sunday came and went, and so did our college kids. Later in the afternoon, my sister, mother and I went over to my mother-in-law-to-he's house for coffee and a talk about where on earth to get started on wedding planning. This will certainly be an interesting combination of stressful and fun.

And here we are. Monday. Everyone is back at school, at work, and on their cutters. And here I am at my kitchen table, sipping my cold coffee with a million thoughts whirling around in my head and no one to hold me tight while I fall apart...again.  (Which I could've used while writing my silly paragraph about goodbyes.)

It feels good to have a projected date...but, that date is just under a year away...which feels like eternity, with few visits in-between.

Dead Man's Cove, Cape Disappointment, OR

Bear Lake, Utah

Melancholy Fiancee, CT

Leaving and cleaving

By now I have been asked more times than I can probably count, if/when I am moving to Oregon. I have to admit that i indulged in the thought quite often but didn't know whether or not it was an actually possibility to consider.  

These first few weeks of "real enlistment" have been hard. Yes, he's gone just like bootcamp, yes, we have more communication (even If it took a while and is only maybe a short email once a day) but, there is definitely a difference in how much more I miss him now than during bootcamp. Perhaps it's the fact that he's currently thousands of miles away, not even in sight of land. Maybe it's knowing that he will be that far away half of the time and the other half he'll only be...3,100 miles away on the opposite coast as me.  I have learned that even though this sucks pretty bad and it's really hard, I am actually stronger than I thought. Not a day goes by that I don't long to be next to him and sharing his adventures on the high seas, but those are the times that I pray ardently for him and myself, as individuals and as a couple. I know what the end goal looks like, and that's what I strive towards, fight for. And I know it's not gonna be easy, even when the goal of finally being together is reached, it's still gonna be tough tough tough! But we're tough, too. And that's how we do.