we have longer than what the calendar says...right?

We've barely started summer and already I'm realizing how quickly certain things are approaching. In June we had two weddings in one weekend to plan for and look forward to.  Two weeks later we celebrated fourth of July...though I still feel like that shouldn't have happened for another couple of weeks. This Sunday I anticipate hopping on a plane by my lonesome and heading out west where I get to spend the next week driving back east with my dear heart as we move him from a-school to duty station. Once we're back on the east coast there will only be 6 more weeks until our big day.

And just like that, the realization of just how little time we have left is hitting me hard. The anticipation of getting on a plane by myself (I'm not a huge fan of flying) is giving me a little anxiety...but I know for a fact that my prize at the end of about 9hrs of traveling is worth it's weight 10X over in gold. And the experience of driving across the country is one that I have always wanted to have, and will remember for the rest of my life! And honestly, how can I complain when I'll have his company all to myself for about a week. These will be the last moments we get to spend with one another before another short separation, followed by the hoopla of family descending upon our houses and wedding craziness and then moving craziness.

My brain is a little on overload right now. Anticipating things such as finishing up at my job and leaving them down one stylist in a very busy salon, putting the finishing touches to all the wedding plans and wondering if we're ever gonna fully be done, getting through the wedding, and then moving my whole entire life down Cape Hatteras, NC.

To their credit, some members of my family are pretty good at consoling me when i'm on the verge of an overload. But the only person who I really want to be consoled by, and who really can calm me down completely, is on crazy schedules making him mostly unreachable by phone during most of the day, and very much so out of my arms reach all the time.

I find myself missing silly little things like getting ice cream or driving to wendy's at 12:30am with him, and watching miscellaneous sitcoms we stumble upon and becoming die hard fans! I miss just driving do mundane places like the grocery store, with my feet on the dash and singing along to silly songs. Basically, I miss life with my best friend, and as we get closer and closer to our big day, it gets harder and harder in the "I miss you " department.
Like when you start to picture your significant other as your phone...oops.

60 more days, and counting!!!!

whoever told me this would be fun, lied.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to actually have fun planning a wedding, to be excited about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to get married, I really am! It's all these silly little details that I could pretty much care less about. I am opinionated on various things, but for most parts of my life I am very laid back. So I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed, pretty much since the beginning of all of this hoopla, as the flood of questions has hurled my direction.

Do you have a date?
How did he do it?
What are your colors?
Do you have your dress yet?
Is it a princess fit?
How about your girls?
Will you have a big bridal party?
What do you mean your parties might not match numerically?
Who is your caterer?
Photographer?
Where is everything gonna be?
What do you mean your parents aren't paying for the wedding?
How are you gonna manage to keep the guest list to 100 people?!?

And then there's all the little details! My mother, sister, and I went over to a friends house last night. My mom has asked her to help make cup-cakes for the little refreshment reception we're having during the receiving line portion of the ceremony. And of course there were more directions and questions.
How are you going to set up? Where are you going to put the receiving line? Have you thought about your timing in all of this? What about gifts, where are you putting gifts?
I get to points where I think most everything has been figured out and we don't have to worry too much...and then this happens and a whole new can of worms is opened up and I go to bed crying.
I finally just handed all of this over to my mother, who loves planning. I said, look, I've made the major decisions about what day, where it's all going down, what every ones wearing, designed and ordered invites, and took care of the menu...other than any of that, I really don't care what anything else looks like. You take care of it, cause I've checked out.

It was kind of a weird thing...and the more I think about it the more I wish I had eloped and it was all over. The truth of the matter is that I miss my guy. Were he here, on this coast,  in this time zone, and preferably in the same state as me, I'm sure that there would be a little more bounce and excitement to all of this. But he's not. He's 3,000miles, and 3 time zones away. And he will be until the wedding, pretty much. In a way, I guess it shows that I'm not a crazy bridezilla. That all this hoopla is not just a showy, hoe-down. It all means that it's the marriage I'm longing for, and not just the wedding. Not the dress, and the shoes, and the hair and make-up, and the crowds, and congratulations, and flowers and all of that attention. I'd be more than happy if everyone just showed up in nice attire and ate pizza and drank homemade cocktails in my back yard and danced under the stars and just had a simple nice time....

I think of that day and all I see is his face, his smile, his crinkly green eyes. Looking at me with an extreme mix of happiness, excitement, and fear. All I can see is this amazing man that I'm in love with, and all I want to do is pledge myself, give him a smooch, take his hand, and run for it!
Getting married, to me, means finally starting a life with this guy, my best friend of 18yrs,(who I haven't seen much since June of 2014, which has been a painful and strengthening experience)actually getting to go where he goes, and see what he sees, and make a house a home and put both our personalities into it(instead of his mattress on the floor in the corner of a space, white-walled apartment) Yes, that house may only contain me for months on end sometimes, but that is also just part of it. I have no delusions that this will be easy. I can't tell you where we're gonna be living by the end of this year, I have no idea. I can't tell you if he will be out at sea for 3-5 months at a time, or home for dinner every night. But I do know that when he's home, he will be home with me, not home and 3,000 miles away. When he's home, there will be much hugging and smooching and rejoicing instead of now, where there is sporadic texting when he ha time, the occasional phone call when we catch each other at the right time for our time zones, and the even rarer Skype date...wifi service permitting...

It's gonna be hard, I know that. But being a little closer will be easier on my heart. I know that, too.

4 Months, 3 Weeks to go....